The Happiness Killer We Don't Talk About

Ever heard the phrase “expectations are premeditated resentments”? I have to admit, it hit home for me recently. 

My husband and I had this grand plan: finish all the outdoor projects before our September trip to Japan. We lined it up—drainage system, landscaping, driveway, deck—the whole list with budget and timeline neatly arranged. Perfect, right? Except… reality had its own ideas: contractor issues, permit delays, and the fact that two inspectors in our county happened to be on vacation at the same time. Let’s just say our “summer completion” expectation went down the drain. (Get it?) 

The funny thing about expectations is how one-sided they are. When they're met, we hardly notice—of course the flight was on time, of course lunch was good, of course my friend showed up when we planned. No confetti or fanfare! But when expectations aren't met? Oh boy—frustration, disappointment, resentment. 

And it's not just with projects or logistics. We expect kids to succeed in school, partners to pitch in at home, coworkers to read our minds, and friends to “just know” what we need. Often without ever saying it out loud! That's where things get messy. 

Byron Katie, the author and creator of The Work, asks, “Who would you be without that belief?” If I let go of the idea that everything must be done by summer, I’d still have a half-finished deck—but no resentment. If we let go of the idea that someone “should” act a certain way, we might actually feel lighter. 

But maybe expectations aren't all bad—it’s just that when we hold onto them too tightly, they squeeze the joy out of the present moment. They become happiness killers. The key isn’t to stop expecting (we can’t!), but to loosen our grip, to step back, and to see things as they are. 

I often see this with my clients. They set big expectations: 

• “I should be able to do this all by myself.” 

• “I should finish organizing the whole house this weekend.” 

• “I should have figured this out already.” 

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The problem? Those “shoulds” pile up, motivation crashes, and progress stalls. It's not because you're not capable—it’s because the weight of unrealistic expectations leaves you stuck. 

When you notice an expectation creeping in—“I should have finished this by now” or “They should know what I want”—ask yourself: Who would I be without this belief? 

My hope is that you experience a shift from rigid expectations (“this should be done already”) to flexible intentions (“what’s the next step I can take?”). May your pressure lighten, energy return, and progress become possible again—without the resentment hangover. And if you’d like some guidance taking those next steps, my private coaching offers a supportive space to do just that.