When Emotions Speak

Why understanding your emotions—not controlling them—changes everything

When my son, who has ADHD, was younger, I was often frustrated by how little

tolerance he seemed to have for discomfort. Every little thing appeared to bother

him, and he made sure to let us—and everyone around him—know. Daily emotional

outbursts were wearing me down. At the time, my husband and I didn’t realize this

was part of ADHD.

“I don’t feel like doing this.”

“This food gives me a weird feeling.”

He also struggled to articulate what he was actually feeling. At the same time, I

was amazed by how quickly his emotions arose—and passed. No matter how angry

he was at me, moments later, he behaved as if nothing had happened. I remember

thinking, How does he do that?

Born and raised in Japan, I was taught—and expected—to regulate, and often

suppress, my emotions. Watching my son, I worried whether he would ever learn to

regulate his emotions and what the cost might be if he couldn’t, especially since he

was already struggling socially at school.

As I’ve learned more about emotions, I now see that my son and I were on

opposite ends of the emotional spectrum. Emotions are responses to stimuli. They

carry information about our needs, boundaries, and desires. When we suppress or

over-regulate them—instead of allowing ourselves to fully feel them—we may miss

important information.

For many adults with ADHD, the challenge isn’t simply emotional regulation.

Emotions often arrive quickly and intensely, and there isn’t much space to pause

and understand what they’re trying to communicate. On the other hand, many

adults—especially those who learned early to be responsible and composed—move

in the opposite direction, over-regulating and pushing emotions aside to function

and move on.

Both patterns create difficulties. When emotions run the show, we feel hijacked.

When we suppress them, we lose access to valuable information about our needs,

boundaries, and priorities. This is where emotional assimilation becomes so

important—allowing emotions to be felt, noticed, and understood without judgment

or immediately reacting or shutting them down.

Looking back, my son and I were on opposite ends of the emotional spectrum. He

felt everything intensely and moved on quickly. I stayed steady but often disconnected from my feelings. The balance was not for either of us to become

someone else, but to meet somewhere in the middle.

For many adults with ADHD, learning to assimilate emotions—not control or ignore

them—can be a powerful step toward clarity, self-trust, and more intentional

choices.

What would become possible if you allowed your emotions to guide you—without

letting them run you?