The Hidden Rules That Keep You Stuck

Have you ever been asked in a job interview, "What's your biggest weakness?" For years, one of the most popular answers was, "I'm a perfectionist."

As someone who spent more than two decades in Human Resources interviewing candidates, I heard that response countless times. People offered it because it sounded like the perfect weakness. It admitted a flaw without really admitting one. Being a perfectionist almost sounded admirable.

Today, I see perfectionism very differently. As a life and organizing coach, I rarely see perfectionism as a strength. More often than not, I see it quietly stealing people's time, energy, and peace of mind. Especially for women over 40 with ADHD or chronic disorganization, perfectionism isn't about doing things well. It's one of the qualities that frequently lead to getting stuck.

Most people picture perfectionists as people with immaculate homes and color-coded closets, but many of my clients struggle with clutter. Not because they don't care. Because they care so much that getting started—or finishing—feels overwhelming.

Their inner dialogue sounds something like this:

"If I can't do the whole room, why bother?"

"It has to look like those organizing pictures online."

"I should already know how to do this."

"I have to do it myself."

These aren't just thoughts. They're rules. Over the years, I've noticed many clients living by rules they never consciously chose. Some sound like this:

• If I donate something, it has to be perfectly cleaned first.

• Kids' T-shirts have to be separated by colors and folded nicely in a drawer.

• I have to go through all the receipts before throwing them away.

• I should be able to figure this out myself.

• I need to find a perfect place to donate my nice dresses.

Notice how absolute these statements are. There isn't much room for flexibility.

One client delayed donating perfectly useful decorations because she felt obligated to polish every single piece first. Another couldn't put freshly washed sheets back on the bed because they "needed" ironing. There's nothing wrong with ironing sheets if you enjoy it. The moment a preference becomes a barrier to completion, it's no longer serving you.

Very often, the real challenge is that we don’t experience these as rules. They become so ingrained that we no longer recognize them as rules. For years, once I started a book, I had to finish it before I could read another one. It wasn't a rule anyone else imposed on me, but it felt like one. Even if I wasn't enjoying the book, I kept telling myself, "Maybe it will get better," or "I've already invested this much time.” Looking back, I realized I had subconsciously created this rule because I wanted to become a more disciplined and persistent person. But somewhere along the way, persistence turned into obligation, and it took the joy out of reading. Eventually, I gave myself permission to stop reading books that weren't serving me.

We do the same thing in our homes. We keep pushing through tasks that no longer make sense because we've created invisible rules about how things should be done. When you feel yourself procrastinating, getting overwhelmed, or feeling guilty, pause for a moment and ask, "What am I telling myself has to happen before I can move forward?" The answer often reveals an invisible rule.

Invisible rules often announce themselves through words like have to, should, must, always, and never. When those words show up in your self-talk, it may be worth getting curious.

Recently, I attended an educational session where psychologist, Dr. Clarissa Ong, discussed one aspect of problematic perfectionism that really resonated with me: rigidity. Having high standards isn't the problem. The problem arises when we rigidly believe there is only one acceptable way to meet them.

When those standards become tied to our self-worth, anything less than perfect can feel like failure. That rigidity creates stress, procrastination, avoidance, and guilt.  Ironically, it often prevents us from accomplishing the very things that matter most.

Once you become aware of invisible rules, you can begin replacing rigidity with flexibility. Start experimenting with small shifts that help loosen those rules. Here are three places to begin:

1. Shift your definition of "good enough" (thinking)

One of the biggest mindset shifts I work on with clients is replacing perfection with progress. Many people with ADHD already know they should "break the project into smaller steps." Ironically, perfectionism can sneak in there, too. I've seen clients create twenty tiny steps when five would do. Instead of making the project easier, they unintentionally make it feel more complicated.

Sometimes "good enough" means creating a simpler plan rather than a perfect one.  For instance,

• Folding the laundry instead of organizing every drawer.

• Donating the items without polishing them first.

• Clearing one countertop instead of the entire kitchen.

• Spending twenty focused minutes instead of waiting for an entire free Saturday.

• Getting three quotes instead of searching endlessly for the perfect plumber.

2. Keep a Done List (attention)

Action (even taking the very first step) creates momentum. Perfection often creates paralysis. Our brains are surprisingly good at noticing what's left undone. Try balancing that by keeping a simple "Done List."

Instead of only writing tomorrow's to-do list, spend a minute at the end of each day writing down what you completed.

Maybe you:

• paid two bills,

• cleared the dining table,

• made one difficult phone call,

• emptied the dishwasher,

• or simply started a project you've been avoiding.

Your brain needs evidence that you're making progress. A Done List helps shift your attention from what's missing to what's moving forward.

3. Catch the Hidden Rule (awareness)

The next time you catch yourself thinking, "I have to..." pause and ask:

Who made that rule? Is it truly necessary? Or is it simply a standard you've been carrying for years?

Sometimes letting go of the rule is the very thing that allows you to move forward. Because the goal isn't to do everything perfectly. It's to create a life that's lighter, more manageable, and filled with progress—not perfection.

Many of the rules we live by were created to help us succeed. But when we never stop to question them, they can quietly keep us stuck. The good news is that once you notice a hidden rule, you have the power to rewrite it.